Do You Want to Connect With Others? Listen to Them

Think of a great date. You are sitting close to your romantic partner, who is looking at you with curiosity and rapt attention as you share a story. They lean in towards you, and their facial expressions make you feel that they are right there with you in reliving the memory. Then, they ask a question—right on point—which leaves you feeling that they totally understand the story and its significance for you.

Most of us can recall moments like this, perhaps with some nostalgia, when we felt wholly connected with a conversation partner. Such conversations are not limited to dates—they can also occur with a sibling or close friend, in families, in the workplace with a colleague, or even with a stranger. They help us feel that our conversation partner really “gets” us—that is, that they understand our core feelings, needs, and values and that they respect and appreciate what those important experiences mean to us.

We All Need To Feel Understood And Valued

A well-established line of research shows that this feeling of connection arises when people perceive their interaction partners to be responsive. In 1988, Dr. Harry Reis from the University of Rochester and Prof. Philip Shaver from the University of California, Davis, theorized that intimacy occurs when people are responsive to their conversation partners’ core traits, values, and experiences, which they do by showing understanding, validation, and caring. Subsequent research has found that listener responsiveness produces a variety of beneficial intra- and interpersonal outcomes. The former includes enhanced subjective well-being, open-mindedness, and intellectual humility. The latter includes feeling greater relationships and increased emotional openness, gratitude, caregiving, and social support.

In short, research shows that when people perceive that others are responsive to them, they and their relationships benefit. Perceived partner responsiveness may therefore provide important clues for learning more about how relationship qualities influence well-being.

So How Do People Convey Responsiveness?

Our recent research show that one way is high-quality listening. High-quality listening involves three components:

  • Displaying undivided attention towards the speaker
  • Showing understanding of the speaker’s message, and
  • Intending to benefit the speaker.

Unlike perceived responsiveness, which is a broad and often abstract perception that may reflect the speaker’s personal motives, good listening entails specific behaviors that communicate attention, interest, and engagement—for example, maintaining constant eye contact, facial expressions that convey curiosity and concern, an open body posture, nodding, asking open-ended questions to encourage elaboration, and paraphrasing speakers’ content. Interestingly, despite its multiple components, speakers usually grasp rather quickly and accurately if their conversation partners are listening authentically. In other words, you cannot fake listening, at least not for long.

Imagine a conversation between two friends, Frank and Megan. Megan shares with Frank that she has been feeling stressed lately, which has led her to make errors at work and harmed her relationship at home. Frank devotes his full attention to Megan, keeps his eyes on her, leans forward in a way that conveys openness, and pays no mind to the distractions around them. After Megan finishes, Frank summarizes what he has heard and asks her to elaborate on one of the points she mentioned. Megan would likely feel that Frank is being attentive and appreciates her values and experience. Put differently, Megan would perceive that Frank is responsive. Now imagine the same conversation with Frank sneaking glances at his smartphone, making inappropriate facial expressions that seem judgmental to Megan and leaning away from Megan. He interrupts Megan with his own perspective on her situation before Megan finishes talking and then changes the subject. It is safe to assume that Megan would perceive Frank as uninterested in her experience and unresponsive. 

We believe that when listeners exhibit high-quality listening, their speakers are likely to experience a sense of understanding, validation, and caring that is good for the relationship. listeners will help their conversation partners feel comfortable and authentic about their views by listening well. Moreover, perceived partner responsiveness tends to engender mutuality. People who experience high-quality listening are more likely to provide the same kind of listening back to their partners (though not necessarily at the same moment in time). In this way, the benefits of high-quality listening can accrue to both partners in the conversation. 

Contrary to a common misperception, the listener is much more than a passive recipient in the conversation. Listening well is more than merely being silent with an occasional head nod. Listeners shape the direction of the conversation and determine the extent to which speakers will feel responded to. When we listen well, we create moments of connection that promote the well-being of speakers, listeners, and their relationships.


For Further Reading (and watching)

Listening video Templeton World Charity Foundation

Itzchakov, G., Reis, H. T., & Weinstein, N. (2021). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High-quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, e12648. https://doi. org/10.1111/spc3.12648

Kluger, A. N., & Itzchakov, G. (2022). The power of listening at work. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 9. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-orgpsych-012420-091013

Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. P. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 201-225). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. R. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367-389). Wiley.


Guy Itzchakov is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Human Services, Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Science at the University of Haifa. Guy’s research focuses on the effects of high-quality listening on speakers’ emotions, attitudes, and behaviors.

Harry T. Reis is a Professor in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester. His research concerns interpersonal processes that affect the course and conduct of close relationships.

Netta Weinstein is an Associate Professor in the School of Psychology and Clinical Language Sciences at the University of Reading. Her research explores the links between interpersonal interactions, motivation, well-being, and behavior.

 

When You Don't Feel Valued in a Relationship, Sleep Suffers

We spend up to one-third of our life asleep, but not everyone sleeps well. For couples, it turns out how well you think your partner understands and cares for you is linked to how well you sleep.  The results are published in Social Personality and Psychological Science.

“Our findings show that individuals with responsive partners experience lower anxiety and arousal, which in turn improves their sleep quality,” says lead author Dr. Emre Selçuk, a developmental and social psychologist at Middle East Technical University in Turkey.

One of the most important functions of sleep is to protect us against deteriorations in physical health. However, this protective function of sleep can only be realized when we have high quality uninterrupted sleep, known as restorative sleep.

Restorative sleep requires feelings of safety, security, protection and absence of threats. For humans, the strongest source of feelings of safety and security is responsive social partners—whether parents in childhood or romantic partners in adulthood.

“Having responsive partners who would be available to protect and comfort us should things go wrong is the most effective way for us humans to reduce anxiety, tension, and arousal,” says Selçuk.

The research supports findings from the past several years by an international collaboration of researchers including Emre Selçuk (Middle East Technical University, Turkey), Anthony Ong (Cornell University, US), Richard Slatcher and Sarah Stanton (Wayne State University, US), Gul Gunaydin (Bilkent University, Turkey), and David Almeida (Penn State, US).

Using data from the Midlife Development in the United States project, past projects from the researchers showed connections between partner responsiveness, physical health and psychological well-being over several years.

“Taken together, the corpus of evidence we obtained in recent years suggests that our best bet for a happier, healthier, and a longer life is having a responsive partner,” says Selçuk.


Selçuk, Emre; Stanton, Sarah; Slachter, Richard; Ong, Anthony, "Perceived Partner Responsiveness Predicts Better Sleep Quality through Lower Anxiety" Social Psychological and Personality Science Online first August 17, 2016. DOI: 10.1177/1948550616662128.

Social Psychological and Personality Science (SPPS) is an official journal of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP), the Association for Research in Personality (ARP), the European Association of Social Psychology (EASP), and the Society for Experimental Social Psychology (SESP). Social Psychological and Personality Science publishes innovative and rigorous short reports of empirical research on the latest advances in personality and social psychology.

Kenneth Tan

Dr. Kenneth Tan is an Assistant Professor of Psychology in the School of Social Sciences at Singapore Management University. He obtained his Bachelors and Masters from the National University of Singapore, and his PhD from Purdue University. His research interests revolve around close relationships, in particular commitment, partner perceptions, and relationship dissolution as well as their effects on individual and relational well-being.

 

Please tell us about your current research, and any future research interests you plan to pursue. 

My primary research interests focus on understanding the determinants of romantic commitment, because understanding why some intimate relationships succeed or fail matters. I think there is something deeply satisfying with the idea of “till death do us part,” and “for better or for worse.” These ideals might be old-fashioned, but are important nonetheless. To that end, my current research focuses on attitudes towards commitment (i.e. how much one desires and is ready for commitment), both in coupled and single individuals, particularly how single people cope with not being in relationships; future plans within and between romantic partners and their effect on commitment; and finally commitment regulation between partners. I am also interested in the relationship dissolution process and the ways in which people engage in breakup as well as how people cope with it.

Given that I have moved back to Singapore, it is also apt that my future research interests take on a different perspective. I am trying to incorporate a cultural lens in close relationship research, with the knowledge that a lot of current research focuses on WEIRD samples. Anecdotally, there are many differences between how people from the West approach and think about relationships compared to the East. Such cultural differences are an untapped and potentially burgeoning ground for research in relationships, and one that I will immerse myself in the next few years, hopefully with an added focus on health. Stay tuned! 

Your research has explored the notion of "readiness" and its relation to romantic relationships. Can people have successful pairings if the timing is not right?

Great question! We already know in general that commitment has a positive influence on relationship well-being and stability, such that those higher in commitment will be more willing to engage in relationship maintenance behaviors and consequently, have longer lasting relationships. However, what we find is that readiness undermines the influence of commitment on relational maintenance behaviors and stability. In other words, if the timing is not right, one is less likely to engage in relational maintenance behaviors, and consequently are not as likely to remain in their relationships, even if you are high in commitment. On the other hand, we have also shown that single individuals who do not think that the timing is right are less likely to enter or pursue relationships and even if they do, report less commitment to that relationship. There are so many things to explore with regards to timing in relationships, and we are only just getting started!

You've taught in both Singapore and the United States. Do you have any fun or interesting anecdotes about your experiences teaching in those very different cultures and environments?

Students in Singapore are more deferent in class, whereas students in America are more upfront, and on the surface, this might conform to the stereotypical experience that students in America are more participative in class, whereas students in Singapore are more reticent. However, it is my experience that students in Singapore are more deliberative and need opportunities to have smaller in group discussions before coming together as a class to participate. This comes across when there are American exchange students in class who are more spontaneous compared to local students, and it is an interesting contrast! My experience is also that students in Singapore are very connected to the outside world, and they often have questions about student life or life in general in the States or Europe/Asia, as well as how psychological theories can be applied to both cultures, whereas students in America ask fewer questions about things outside of America. Finally, students in Singapore are pretty pragmatic and have a lot of questions on how their job prospects can be enhanced whereas students in America are more idealistic and seem to ask more questions pertaining to self-growth and development. I do want to take care not to endorse any stereotypes, and want to reiterate that I am painting broad strokes with my observations. Nonetheless, it is definitely my experience that students from both countries are equally passionate and driven!

What do you enjoy most about teaching?

There are two things that I enjoy most about teaching. First, I thoroughly enjoy the insights that I get from students about the materials being presented. Very often, it becomes easy to get immersed into a tradition of thinking, and the perspectives that come from a diverse group of students in the classroom has an immense impact on my outlook and research. Second, the opportunity to make professional and personal connections with students is invaluable. I find it extremely humbling that I can make a small impact on the way students think about and interact with the world and their relationships. It is very gratifying to see the look on their faces when they “get” a concept and its implications on real life.

When and why did you join SPSP and how has being a member helped you professionally?

I joined SPSP in 2010 when I was a master’s student back in Singapore so as to participate in the 2010 SPSP convention in Las Vegas. Being a member of SPSP has allowed me to network with other graduate students and faculty with similar research interests, several of whom eventually became collaborators of mine. Without SPSP, I also would not have had the most wonderful opportunity to participate in the 2013 Summer Institute for Social and Personality Psychology (SISPP) in Davis, California. The SPSP Convention in 2014 was thus my most memorable, because it made conferencing more dynamic compared to my prior experiences, plus it was an awesome reunion with the SISPP crew! Now being 10,000 miles away, SPSP gives me an avenue to continue reaching out to researchers in the States and Europe as well as to see the cutting edge work that is currently being done, something I definitely took for granted earlier.

What led you to choose a career in social and personality psychology?

Being conscripted in the military sparked an interest about understanding how people thought, felt and behaved, both in the context of a military perspective and beyond. This eventually developed into my love for understanding the science of relationships. However, thinking about graduate school and choosing an academic career in Singapore was not an easy decision to make. We are a tight culture, and deviating from the norms of getting a “real” job after college was not well received or understood by the people around me. I was lucky to be part of a cohort of undergraduates at the National University of Singapore (NUS) who all pursued graduate school at the same time. On top of immensely enjoying the process of research as well as the ideas that were being examined in social and personality psychology, I benefitted from having a cohort that also shared that same passion, and this reaffirmed my decision to choose a career in social and personality psychology. This is something that American students might not think as much of as they have role models that go through the graduate school process whereas we did not have those same opportunities. I would especially like to thank Dr. Fen-Fang Tsai and Dr. Michelle See from NUS for their unwavering support in starting me down this path. I would also like to thank Dr. Christopher Agnew and Dr. Ximena Arriaga at Purdue for their invaluable mentorship and guidance in persevering down this road, as well as my graduate cohort at Purdue for welcoming this clueless international student. I continue to benefit from all of their generous guidance and support till today.

Outside of psychology, how do you spend your free time?  

I will say I miss hiking and the great outdoors when I was in the States. Back home, it is family time as much as possible and the occasional forays into keeping fit. I also enjoy exploring the never-ending food options ranging from Michelin-starred restaurants to local street food. We are also home to a couple of the top 50 bars in Asia. Many great dance, theatre and music acts make their way to our sunny shores as well. It’s also a great launching pad for traveling to other parts of South East Asia! Singapore is truly a place of endless possibilities, and I would urge everyone to visit if you ever get the chance!