Single? The Key to Belonging May Be Closer Than You Think

Our cultural obsession with romantic love runs deep. These days, one is hard-pressed to find a movie that doesn’t feature a romantic plotline or a hit song that doesn’t allude to romantic love. But it doesn’t end there. Even TV shows about singles tend to revolve around finding love and romance. Indeed, what would HBO’s “Sex and the City” be without Carrie Bradshaw’s seemingly endless, and often fruitless, quest for romantic love?           

Our cultural obsession with romantic love is not surprising given that humans have a deep-rooted need to belong—a need that can be met through high-quality, mutually caring relationships. Given the cultural milieu around romantic love, it is also unsurprising that many people––including single icons like Carrie Bradshaw––attempt to meet their need to belong, in part, by seeking high-quality romantic relationships. In such a culture, it is triply unsurprising that psychologists have devoted considerable time and energy to understanding the psychological adaptations that facilitate romantic love and belonging. 

One such adaptation is the shifting of people’s self-esteem definitions to prioritize the romantic bond, in a process called psychological attunement. During this process, self-esteem becomes more responsive to the quality of one’s romantic relationships—with high-quality relationships boosting self-esteem and low-quality relationships undermining it. Essentially, then, psychological attunement motivates one to invest in one’s romantic relationships because doing so ultimately benefits one’s own sense of self-esteem and belonging.

But not everyone has a romantic partner, nor necessarily even wants one. In fact, more people are single than ever before and want to remain that way. So where does this leave single people? Suffering quietly from a lack of self-esteem and belonging? Or might it be the case that singles’ self-esteem attunes to the important relationships in their lives? My colleagues and I wanted to find out. 

Because singles are known for having many friends whom they see on a regular basis and to whom they may experience strong feelings of attachment, we hypothesized that singles would exhibit psychological attunement to their friendships. We further expected singles’ attunement to friendships to be even stronger than that of partnered people, who presumably meet their need to belong more through their romantic partner.

We followed 279 undergraduates over the course of their university careers. Every few months, we asked them about their self-esteem, the quality of their friendships, and whether they were in a romantic relationship. We expected that self-esteem would dynamically shift to prioritize the kinds of relationships that were most likely to provide a sense of belonging and increased self-esteem. In other words, we expected that undergraduates’ self-esteem would be more attuned to the quality of their friendships at times when they were single compared to times when they were in a romantic relationship. 

That’s exactly what we found. Although friendship quality and self-esteem were linked for both single and partnered undergraduates, friendship quality had a bigger impact on undergraduates’ self-esteem when they were single compared to when they were in a romantic relationship (about 1.7 times the magnitude). In other words, self-esteem was more strongly attuned to the quality of one’s friendships when single than when in a relationship.

But that’s not all. At a separate point in the study, we asked undergraduates how invested they were in their friendships (for example, how much they stood to lose if their friendship were to end). We found that single undergraduates were generally more invested in their friendships than their partnered counterparts, and that this investment predicted greater subsequent friendship quality and self-esteem for single undergraduates. It should be noted that singles’ greater friendship investment didn’t lead to any significant differences in friendship quality between single and partnered undergraduates in the short term. But when we looked at the trajectory of friendship quality over a longer period, we found that single undergraduates’ friendship quality remained stable whereas partnered undergraduates’ friendship quality declined over time. So, it’s possible that partnered people’s lesser investments in their friendships may eventually lead to declines in their long-term friendship quality.  

Taken together, our findings suggest that psychological attunement does indeed occur in friendships and thus is not solely a romantic process. Moreover, our results demonstrate how the self-esteem system shifts to prioritize the kinds of relationships that optimize belonging, given one’s relationship status. So­––rather than fixate on finding the perfect romantic partner––singles like Carrie Bradshaw are smart to attune to and invest in the friendships they already have, as these friendships may ultimately provide them with the strong sense of belonging that everybody needs.


For Further Reading

Fisher, A.N., Stinson, D.A., Wood, J.V., Holmes, J.G. & Cameron, J.J. (2021). Singlehood and the attunement of self-esteem to friendships. Social Psychological and Personality Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550620988460


Alexandra N. Fisher is a Postdoctoral Research Fellow at the University of Exeter in the UK. Her research focuses on self and identity in close relationships.

Alone, together? Are Single People a Part of a Larger Social Group?

Right now, in North America, most people are single. Yet, very few of us wish to remain that way indefinitely. If given the choice, many of us would much rather be in a romantic relationship. Why? There are many reasons, but one reason is that, in a culture obsessed with romantic love, marriage, and general coupledom, being single has a bad rap. Singles are stigmatized with a host of negative traits including sad, insecure, selfish, and, above all, lonely. Indeed, the stigma around being single makes it seem like a dark and lonely existence. Despite the fact that these stereotypes do not reflect reality, they can be hurtful to people who are single. In that way, they are not unlike the kinds of negative attitudes documented towards other stigmatized groups.

This raises two important questions: Do singles feel alone in the face of stigma or do they feel like part of a larger social group of stigmatized individuals, and how do other people perceive singles as a group? Along with my supervisor, John Sakaluk, I conducted two studies to find out.

In our first experiment, we asked people how strongly they identify with three personal group memberships based on their relationship status, sexual orientation, and nationality, as well as with their membership in an arbitrary group to which they were randomly assigned. The purpose of this arbitrary group membership was to give people a new group membership that they wouldn’t feel a strong sense of identification with. Essentially, then, this arbitrary group assignment allowed us to establish a “low bar” of group identification against which we could compare people’s identification with their three personal group memberships, particularly single peoples’ identification with other singles. In our second experiment, we asked people to rate the ‘groupyness’ of five different types of groups, of which they were not a member, including singles and people randomly assigned to arbitrary groups. Basically, we asked people how much each group looks, acts, and interacts like a group.

So how did singles stack up compared to the most arbitrary—and most common—types of groups?  

In both experiments, singles passed the lowest bar of “groupyness” as they self-identified as and were perceived by others as more “groupy” than people randomly assigned to arbitrary groups. These results, which are shown below in Figures 1 and 2, suggest that singles do pass a bare minimum threshold for being considered a bona fide social group. So, at least to some extent, singles do feel like they are part of a larger social group, and they are perceived that way by other people.

Yet, singles’ “groupyness,” as perceived by both themselves and other people, still fell short of other well-established groups such as those based on sexual orientation and nationality. This pattern suggests that single people may still have a ways to go before they are regarded seriously as a group, which could explain why people in our study were also more accepting of prejudice towards singles than toward other groups (see full article for more detail).

 

Bar graph showing People in Relationships versus single people

 

Bar graph showing People’s perceptions of the ‘groupyness’ of each group

Singles also consistently self-identified and were perceived as less “groupy” than people in relationships, which could be another reason why marriage may be so attractive: Being married might provide people with a more culturally-valued and groupy identity compared to being single, which also comes with additional benefits for self-esteem and well-being. Therefore, greater efforts to increase the cultural value and groupyness of singles, such as through single-friendly policy and community initiatives, might improve singles’ lives as well as their sense of identification and pride in their single identity. However, more research is needed before we can know for sure.

Till then, we singles can rest assured that we are not alone—we are alone, together.


For Further Reading

Fisher, A.N., & Sakaluk, J.K. (2020). Are single people a stigmatized ‘group’? Evidence from examinations of social identity, entitativity, and perceived responsibility. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 82, 208-216. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2019.103844

Day, M. V., Kay, A. C., Holmes, J. G., & Napier, J. L. (2011). System justification and the defense of committed relationship ideology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(2), 291-306. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023197

DePaulo, B. M., & Morris, W. L. (2005). Singles in Society and in Science. Psychological Inquiry, 16(2-3), 57-83. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli162&3_01

Lickel, B., Hamilton, D. L., Uhles, A. N., Wieczorkowska, G., Lewis, A., & Sherman, S. J. (2000). Varieties of groups and the perception of group entitativity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 223-246. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.223


Alexandra N. Fisher is a doctoral candidate in Social Psychology at the University of Victoria in British Columbia, Canada. She studies self and identity in close relationships.

Yuthika Girme

Yuthika Girme is an Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Simon Fraser University, Canada. She received her PhD in Psychology from the University of Auckland, New Zealand. Her research aims to better understand the complexities underlying singlehood and romantic relationships by using advanced statistical techniques (multilevel modeling, nonlinear effects and dynamics) and diverse methods (behavioral observation, daily diary, dyadic and longitudinal designs). She is also a co-founder of the SPSP Affinity Group SANSAPP: South Asian Network of Social and Personality Psychologists.

What led you to choose a career in personality and social psychology?

The human mind has always fascinated me—it's loving, quirky, resilient, dark, and twisted. I initially thought that clinical psychology would help me get the answers I wanted, but after taking a close relationships course, I fell in love (sorry for the pun!) with how our intimate relationships can be the absolute best thing for us, but also the absolute worst. I broke up with clinical psychology shortly after and have been committed to social psychology ever since.

Briefly summarize your current research and any future research interests you plan to pursue.

Relationship science has focused predominately on romantic partnerships, despite singlehood being an important precursor to entering relationships and the aftermath of ending relationships. My current research aims to bridge singlehood and relationship sciences to better understand how we can maximize peoples' happiness and well-being, regardless of their relationship status.

Why did you join SPSP?

Being a member of SPSP has allowed me to connect with and collaborate with people across different subdisciplines within social and personality psychology. Being part of SPSP also allows me to give back to this large and diverse community through various committee roles and diversity initiatives.

What is your most memorable SPSP Annual Convention experience?

In 2014 I was approaching the final year of my PhD in New Zealand. I had never attended any conferences (it's too expensive to fly internationally when you live on an island nation at the bottom of the world). Austin, Texas was my first ever SPSP. Everyone was so welcoming! I was able to establish myself as a scholar, position myself for the job market, and meet people who became amazing mentors and collaborators over the years.

How has being a member of SPSP helped to advance your career?

SPSP has supported my career in numerous ways, including student travel grants and family care grants that have provided financial assistance in order to attend SPSP conferences. I have also had the opportunity to present my work at SPSP which has allowed me to disseminate my research broadly with people in academic, clinical, and industry settings.

Do you have any advice for individuals who wish to pursue a career in personality and social psychology?

Talk to as many people as possible. I think it can often feel like people follow a simple, linear path when pursuing social and personality psychology. Talking to lots of SPSP members can reveal the diverse life paths and decisions that have led people to a career in social and personality psychology and the various job opportunities that are available for social and personality psychologists within and outside academic settings.

Outside of psychology, how do you spend your free time?

I spend a lot of time outdoors. My free time is usually spent hiking or snowboarding. My close relationships are also incredibly important to me; if I'm not in the mountains, I'm usually in the kitchen cooking for my family and friends, chasing after my two young kids, or cuddling my two fur babies.

 

Breaking Stereotypes: What Makes Singles Happy

Picture yourself basking in the warmth of a sunny afternoon, surrounded by good friends and loving family, reveling in the joys of singlehood. The people in your life periodically pressure you to find a soulmate, but you find yourself wondering, "Do I really need a romantic partner to be happy?" If you like being single and don't want to put a ring on it, worry not. Emerging research of ours suggests single life can be just as fulfilling as coupled life.

The proportion of single people is on the rise. As of 2019, 38% of adults in the U.S. were unpartnered, up from 29% in 1990. Yet single people still face numerous forms of stigma and discrimination, often referred to as "singlism." For example, married people are often described as mature, stable, kind, and happy, while unmarried people are described as immature, insecure, self-centered, and unhappy. Some research supports these notions, suggesting that coupled people are happier than single people on average. But averages are not individuals. Such studies may not show the full picture.

Singles Differ from Each Other in Myriad Ways

We collected survey data from 4,835 single adults (ages 18-65) who were not currently in a romantic relationship of any kind. Using predictors of well-being (such as friendship satisfaction and self-esteem), we identified 10 distinct groups of single people, then ordered those groups from most to least happy. By doing this, we were able to get a diverse and nuanced picture of single people's lives. This approach yielded some fascinating new findings.

First, 14% of single adults were extremely happy. In fact, they were just as happy as the happiest coupled adults reported in previous studies. Another 40% of singles were moderately happy, 36% were somewhat unhappy, and only 10% were extremely unhappy. Contrary to stereotypes about miserable single people, the majority of singles (54%) were happy and satisfied with their lives. Thus, singles can experience happiness on par with their coupled counterparts, thereby challenging the misguided stigmas often associated with singlehood.

Second, focusing on groups allowed us to better understand what makes singles happy. The happiest singles enjoyed strong social relationships with their friends and family, high self-esteem, and favorable personality traits. Specifically, the happiest singles exhibited high extraversion (a trait defined by having an outgoing and sociable nature) and low neuroticism (a tendency towards negative emotional instability). In contrast, the least happy singles had poor relationships with friends and family, low self-esteem, low extraversion, and high neuroticism.

Between these two extremes, we discovered intriguing variations among moderately happy singles. They often balanced negative aspects with positive ones. Although singles with great friends and family were the happiest, singles did not necessarily need both to be happy. One happy group had strong friendships but poor family relationships, while another happy group showed the reverse pattern. Yet another happy group of singles had high neuroticism but offset this difficulty with high extraversion. In other words, there are multiple ways for single people to be happy. You cannot distill all single people down to just one general stereotype. There are various types of single people that are uniquely different from each other.

So, what are the key takeaways from our research? Staying single doesn't doom you to a lifetime of despair. On the contrary, many single people are just as happy as their coupled peers. Single people also have many routes available to them to live their own version of the good life. Some singles are blessed with low neuroticism, while others have high self-esteem. Some singles find solace in family, while others treasure their friendships.

Historically, an average-based happiness gap has existed between couples and singles, but that gap may be narrowing as singlehood gains greater acceptance and prominence. Perhaps it was merely a product of the "singlist" social stigma to begin with. It's time to embrace the vibrant tapestry of singlehood and recognize that happiness doesn't hinge on romantic partnerships. To all the single folks out there, we invite you to embark on your own unique journey, cherish the diverse ways that you find happiness, and celebrate the rich, fulfilling life that awaits you as a solo adventurer.


For Further Reading

Walsh, L. C., Gonzales, A., Shen, L., Rodriguez, A., & Kaufman, V. A. (2022). Expanding relationship science to unpartnered singles: What predicts life satisfaction? Frontiers in Psychology, 3: 904848. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.904848


Lisa Walsh is a Postdoctoral Researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles. Her work focuses broadly on the who, what, where, when, why, and how of happiness.

Victor Kaufman is a Research Scientist at the University of California, Los Angeles. His work explores the associations among close relationships (e.g., with friends, family, romantic partners) and well-being.