Love, Grow, and Thrive?

In the 1996 romantic comedy Jerry Maguire, when Jerry (the protagonist) tells Dorothy (his love interest) "You complete me," many viewers instantly get emotional. But beyond tugging at our heartstrings because of his romantic gesture, Jerry communicates something more fundamental to Dorothy. His message conveys the notion that romantic relationships can change how we see and understand ourselves. Jerry's proclamation of love suggests that his sense of identity has been molded, shaped, and "completed" through his relationship with Dorothy.

In relationship science terms, Jerry describes self-expansion—how romantic relationships change people's sense of self for the better. For example, partners might introduce one another to new musical acts, books, or hobbies that they incorporate into their identities. Self-expansion brings the couple closer to one another, and provides each of them with a larger and more diverse sense of self.

People in self-expanding relationships report that they have better relationships, love their partners more, are more satisfied sexually, do more to maintain their relationships, and are less vulnerable to cheating. They also reap several personal benefits such as higher self-esteem and greater self-efficacy (the belief that one can overcome challenges). 

Building on these findings, we theorized that self-expansion broadly helps people develop and strengthen psychological resources to cope with stress. If so, people in self-expanding relationships may have better mental health and experience fewer depression symptoms. We conducted four studies to test this idea. In the first two studies, we recruited a total of 610 romantically involved adults and asked them to complete measures of self-expansion and depression symptoms. We measured self-expansion with items such as "How much does your partner help you to expand your sense of the kind of person you are?" We measured depression by asking people how often they experienced a range of symptoms, such as "feeling down, depressed, or hopeless."

Overall, we found that people in self-expanding relationships felt less depressed. These results held even after considering many other variables that are related to depression. Of course, this is but one snapshot in time, and this association might be due to some unmeasured personality trait that predicts both self-expansion and depressive symptoms.  We reasoned that if self-expansion reduces depressive symptoms, then on days that people find their relationship more self-expanding than usual, they would feel less depressed than they usually do.

In Study 3, we explored this process on a day-to-day basis. We had 100 couples complete measures of self-expansion and depression for 14 consecutive days. As we expected, participants felt less depressed on days their relationships were more self-expanding than usual. However, the direction of this association wasn't clear.  Depressive symptoms might lead to reduced self-expansion, or self-expansion might lead to less depression.

Study 4 examined the link between self-expansion and depressive symptoms over 9 months, to better home in on how self-expansion and depressive symptoms are related. One hundred nine people completed measures of self-expansion and depression at the beginning of the study and again nine months later. People whose relationships became more self-expanding over nine months reported fewer depression symptoms at the end of the study, consistent with the idea that self-expansion has cumulative benefits for mental health over time.

In sum, relationships that expand people's sense of themselves also help them flourish, by feeling less depressed. Finding that person who "completes" you (or, more accurately, "expands" you) may be an important step to improving your mental wellness.


For Further Reading

McIntyre, K. P., Mattingly, B. A., Stanton, S. C., Xu, X., Loving, T. J., & Lewandowski, G. W. (2023). Romantic relationships and mental health: Investigating the role of self-expansion on depression symptoms. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(1), 3-28. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221101127

Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 3821-3852. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221110630

Mattingly, B. A., Tomlinson, J. M., & McIntyre, K. P. (2020). Advances in self-expansion. In L. V. Machia, C. R. Agnew, & X. B. Arriaga (Eds.), Interdependence, Interaction, and Close Relationships (pp. 225–245). Cambridge University Press. https://doi.org/10.1017/9781108645836.012


Kevin P. McIntyre is a Professor of Psychology at Trinity University. His research examines how romantic relationships affect and are affected by individuals' self-concepts. 

Brent Mattingly is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Ursinus College. He studies the interplay between close relationships and individuals' sense of self.

Does Discrimination Always Harm Interracial Relationships?

Romantic relationships provide people with ample benefits. For example, people in satisfying and healthy romantic relationships report better well-being and life satisfaction. In fact, quality romantic relationships can reduce your mortality rate. Research from Holt-Lunstad and colleagues indicates that people without close relationships, those who perceive social isolation, have an increased likelihood of mortality. Obviously, romantic relationships are important. Not just for our own well-being but for greater lifespans.

However, some relationships, such as interracial relationships, have to navigate challenges before reaping the many benefits that quality romantic relationships provide. A significant challenge that interracial couples must navigate is racial discrimination. Many relationships, such as same-gender relationships, are the targets of societal discrimination. However, interracial couples are unique in that each partner has different levels of experience with racial discrimination in cases in which there is a White partner in the couple.

To highlight this, consider the 2013 Cheerios commercial that featured a White mother, a Black father, and their daughter. This 30-second clip of an interracial couple caused such a controversy that YouTube had to close the comment section of this video almost immediately. To some, this was surprising. However, people who have had first-hand experience with discrimination, although unfortunate, felt it was expected. For example, Andre Meadows, the creator of the Black Nerd Comedy channel, stated, "When you get comments, it seems to be targeted toward race almost immediately. A lot of people get 'dumb video, stupid video'—but with mine it immediately goes to racial slurs." This example highlights that situations such as the Cheerios commercial are perceived differently based on people's prior experience with racial discrimination. 

It is important to consider that partners in interracial couples, especially when one partner is White, have differing levels of experience with racial discrimination. Racial discrimination is undoubtedly worse for the minority partner. However, the White partner can end the relationship in order to stop their experience of racial discrimination. This may be one of many contributors to the higher breakup and divorce rates among interracial couples.

But Not All Interracial Couples Break Up

In fact, some couples report better relationship quality after experiencing discrimination. This latter point got us thinking about why some of these couples are reporting better outcomes. What is happening for the couples who are reporting better relationship quality after such an adverse experience? Perhaps for some, experiencing discrimination provides an opportunity to learn more about the world and see the world through others' eyes in a really profound way.

This process of seeing the world through a partner's view refers to the process of self-expansion. People inherently look for ways to expand their selves to take on more perspectives, experiences, and worldviews. According to research by Aron and colleagues, people have several pathways to self-expand, but perhaps the most potent is through romantic relationships. In fact, when couples engage in self-expansion, either alone or with their partner, they report better relationship quality.

When considering people in interracial relationships, racial discrimination may provide White partners an opportunity to learn more about their partner's worldviews and experiences. In doing so, it has the potential to facilitate greater self-expansion. This further made us question why some White partners may be perceiving racial discrimination as a self-expanding experience but not others. Perhaps, there is another process that people have to engage in as well.

Consider Perspective Taking

Considering another person's point of view requires a lot of mental effort. Thus, people do not always engage in perspective-taking. Yet perspective-taking is certainly worth the effort as it has been shown to increase perceived closeness with outgroup members and increase empathy for others.

When thinking about the experience of racial discrimination, we proposed and found in four studies that White partners who consider their partner's perspective when recalling an event of discrimination experienced a broadening of their worldview, which in turn, predicted better relationship quality.

For example, in one study, participants were asked to either write about a time in which they experienced discrimination with their partner or a time in which their car broke down with their partner present. We then asked them to report on how much they try to take their partner's perspective (e.g., "Right now, how much do you think you try to take your partner's perspective on things"). In addition, they reported how much their worldview was broadened at the moment and how committed and satisfied they were with their relationship. We found that people who wrote about a time in which they experienced discrimination, and perceived a great deal of perspective-taking, did report a broadening of their worldview. This broadening of one's worldview predicted people to be more satisfied and committed to their relationship.

With over 11 million interracial couples in the United States, it is vital to understand ways to mitigate the negative effects of discrimination on people in interracial relationships. The additional challenge of navigating discrimination can add additional stress to the relationship. People who experience chronic stress in their relationships, such as interracial couples, report worse overall health (including poor sleep quality, high blood pressure, worse mental health, more chronic conditions, and lower mortality rates). Our work investigates the role of perspective-taking and self-expansion in buffering against the adverse effects of discrimination to protect relationship quality. By preserving these relationships, couple members can reap the host of benefits associated with being in healthy romantic relationships, such as greater physical health (such as lower blood pressure) and mental health (such as fewer depressive symptoms) and lower mortality rates.


For Further Reading

Caselli, A. J., & Machia, L. V. (2022). Discrimination is not just Black and White in romantic relationships: A consideration of perspective taking and self-expansion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 123(4), 741–762. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000380

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review. Perspectives on Psychological Science10(2), 227-237.


Abigail Caselli, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma, is a social psychologist whose research examines how the social context, relationship context, and the self interact, with the overall goal of understanding how people can achieve optimal well-being.

How Can Couples Maintain Sexual Desire?

Giddy excitement, hours-long conversations, and strong feelings of sexual desire are hallmarks of a new dating relationship. But fast forward a couple of years and partners often do not feel the same passion that they did at the start of their relationship. Why is it that even in happy relationships, sexual desire can be difficult to maintain? One reason is that opportunities for novelty and excitement with a partner, which can fuel desire, tend to decline in ongoing relationships. But our recent research suggests that this is not inevitable.

Thankfully, sex and relationship researchers are beginning to understand how it is that some couples maintain desire years into their relationship while others are not. In the 1980s, psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron argued that a key benefit provided by romantic relationships is opportunities for personal growth, or what they called self-expansion. Self-expansion is the idea that through novel, shared experiences with a partner, we learn new things and broaden our sense of who we are.

As partners progress in their relationship and become more familiar and comfortable, there are fewer opportunities for self-expansion. Hearing a new partner tell stories about their world travels or having them cook us a delicious new cuisine is very attractive but hearing the same travel story five years later and eating the same delicious meal every week is less likely to make sparks fly. As a result, satisfaction tends to decline over time.

But Hope is Not Lost

In their classic experiment, the Arons had partners engage in a novel and exciting activity together (compared to a mundane activity) and found that they could immediately boost how satisfied partners felt with their relationship. It has since been found that partners who experience more growth in their relationship as a result of shared experiences in their daily lives are more satisfied and feel greater sexual desire for their partner, too. In fact, when a person did something with their partner that provided more self-expansion than they typically felt, both partners had more desire for each other and were more likely to have sex on that day. 

Is simply trying something new with a partner, such as venturing out of your comfort zone on a road trip or taking up dance lessons, the trick to keeping the passion alive in relationships? In our research, we wanted to understand why higher self-expansion is linked to higher desire. On the one hand, the Arons have shown that self-expansion keeps partners satisfied by bringing them closer together. Yet, some couples describe too much closeness or overfamiliarity with their partner as stifling their desire and, instead, require what famous clinical psychologist Esther Perel refers to as "otherness," or seeing your partner in a new light, as the way to keeping desire alive. So, we wanted to see if increased closeness or seeing your partner anew explained why novel activities could reignite that romantic spark.

How Self-Expansion Works

In two studies we asked couples to report on their level of self-expansion, closeness, otherness, and desire in their daily (or weekly) lives, including during an isolation period in the early months of the COVID-19 pandemic. In a third study, we had people recall a recent shared experience of self-expansion with their partner (compared to a familiar experience or no recall) and tested whether recalling a self-expanding experience boosted their feelings of closeness, otherness, and desire for their partner compared to the other two groups. In all three studies we found that when people engaged in (or recalled) self-expansion with a partner, they felt closer to their partner, but also saw their partner in a new light. Furthermore, both enhanced closeness and otherness were linked to higher sexual desire. The findings show that both feeling close and seeing a partner differently are important to maintaining desire. 

Otherness is a relatively new idea in relationship research, and we are still learning about its role in relationship and desire maintenance. Although closeness seems to be beneficial for both desire and satisfaction (it was linked to both higher sexual desire and higher relationship satisfaction across our studies), otherness, while also linked to higher desire, was not associated with higher relationship satisfaction. It is possible that seeing a partner in a new light can have both costs and benefits. This was highlighted in our study of couples during the COVID-19 pandemic in which the "benefits" of otherness were the weakest.

The pandemic was a life-altering experience that may have forced both partners to work from home, possibly while caring for children, and in some cases spending more time together than ever before. Change brought many opportunities for partners to see each other in a new light, but this was not always positive. People may have been irritated by their partner's different persona in virtual work meetings or annoyed by a new hobby they took up during the lockdown. In these instances, seeing a partner in a new light was unlikely to promote desire. For other couples, seeing how their partner rose to the challenge of homeschooling their children or how they fashioned a birthday celebration in the living room highlighted their positive qualities and led to greater desire. 

Overall, our research suggests that one route to boosting desire is to balance closeness and otherness. That is, partners should aim to feel connected and comfortable but use that comfort to express new sides of themselves and still try to surprise each other. Our results show that engaging in self-expanding activities together has the potential to provide comfort and novelty, both of which help couples keep the passion alive over time. For couples looking to reignite the spark from the start of their relationship, try doing a new activity together and pay attention to opportunities to feel close to a partner and see new sides of them. 


For Further Reading

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273

Goss, S., Raposo, S., Balzarini, R., Rosen, N. O, Benyamin, V., & Muise, A. (2022). Feeling close and seeing your partner in a new light: How self-expansion promotes sexual desire. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39, 2478-2506. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221081137

Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116, 237-258. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi/0000148


Sophie Goss graduated with an honors degree in psychology from York University and is currently coaching couples in which one partner suffers from PTSD. Her research interests are at the intersection of physical intimacy and trauma, including posttraumatic stress and borderline personality disorder. 

Amy Muise is an Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at York University. Her research interests are at the intersection of sexuality and romantic relationships, and she aims to understand the factors that are associated with the maintenance of desire and satisfaction in relationships.