Do You Want to Connect With Others? Listen to Them

Think of a great date. You are sitting close to your romantic partner, who is looking at you with curiosity and rapt attention as you share a story. They lean in towards you, and their facial expressions make you feel that they are right there with you in reliving the memory. Then, they ask a question—right on point—which leaves you feeling that they totally understand the story and its significance for you.

Most of us can recall moments like this, perhaps with some nostalgia, when we felt wholly connected with a conversation partner. Such conversations are not limited to dates—they can also occur with a sibling or close friend, in families, in the workplace with a colleague, or even with a stranger. They help us feel that our conversation partner really “gets” us—that is, that they understand our core feelings, needs, and values and that they respect and appreciate what those important experiences mean to us.

We All Need To Feel Understood And Valued

A well-established line of research shows that this feeling of connection arises when people perceive their interaction partners to be responsive. In 1988, Dr. Harry Reis from the University of Rochester and Prof. Philip Shaver from the University of California, Davis, theorized that intimacy occurs when people are responsive to their conversation partners’ core traits, values, and experiences, which they do by showing understanding, validation, and caring. Subsequent research has found that listener responsiveness produces a variety of beneficial intra- and interpersonal outcomes. The former includes enhanced subjective well-being, open-mindedness, and intellectual humility. The latter includes feeling greater relationships and increased emotional openness, gratitude, caregiving, and social support.

In short, research shows that when people perceive that others are responsive to them, they and their relationships benefit. Perceived partner responsiveness may therefore provide important clues for learning more about how relationship qualities influence well-being.

So How Do People Convey Responsiveness?

Our recent research show that one way is high-quality listening. High-quality listening involves three components:

• Displaying undivided attention towards the speaker
• Showing understanding of the speaker’s message, and
• Intending to benefit the speaker.

Unlike perceived responsiveness, which is a broad and often abstract perception that may reflect the speaker’s personal motives, good listening entails specific behaviors that communicate attention, interest, and engagement—for example, maintaining constant eye contact, facial expressions that convey curiosity and concern, an open body posture, nodding, asking open-ended questions to encourage elaboration, and paraphrasing speakers’ content. Interestingly, despite its multiple components, speakers usually grasp rather quickly and accurately if their conversation partners are listening authentically. In other words, you cannot fake listening, at least not for long.

Imagine a conversation between two friends, Frank and Megan. Megan shares with Frank that she has been feeling stressed lately, which has led her to make errors at work and harmed her relationship at home. Frank devotes his full attention to Megan, keeps his eyes on her, leans forward in a way that conveys openness, and pays no mind to the distractions around them. After Megan finishes, Frank summarizes what he has heard and asks her to elaborate on one of the points she mentioned. Megan would likely feel that Frank is being attentive and appreciates her values and experience. Put differently, Megan would perceive that Frank is responsive. Now imagine the same conversation with Frank sneaking glances at his smartphone, making inappropriate facial expressions that seem judgmental to Megan and leaning away from Megan. He interrupts Megan with his own perspective on her situation before Megan finishes talking and then changes the subject. It is safe to assume that Megan would perceive Frank as uninterested in her experience and unresponsive. 

We believe that when listeners exhibit high-quality listening, their speakers are likely to experience a sense of understanding, validation, and caring that is good for the relationship. listeners will help their conversation partners feel comfortable and authentic about their views by listening well. Moreover, perceived partner responsiveness tends to engender mutuality. People who experience high-quality listening are more likely to provide the same kind of listening back to their partners (though not necessarily at the same moment in time). In this way, the benefits of high-quality listening can accrue to both partners in the conversation. 

Contrary to a common misperception, the listener is much more than a passive recipient in the conversation. Listening well is more than merely being silent with an occasional head nod. Listeners shape the direction of the conversation and determine the extent to which speakers will feel responded to. When we listen well, we create moments of connection that promote the well-being of speakers, listeners, and their relationships.

For Further Reading (and watching)

Listening video Templeton World Charity Foundation

Itzchakov, G., Reis, H. T., & Weinstein, N. (2021). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High-quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, e12648. https://doi. org/10.1111/spc3.12648

Kluger, A. N., & Itzchakov, G. (2022). The power of listening at work. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 9. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-orgpsych-012420-091013

Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. P. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 201-225). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. R. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367-389). Wiley.

Guy Itzchakov is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Human Services, Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Science at the University of Haifa. Guy’s research focuses on the effects of high-quality listening on speakers’ emotions, attitudes, and behaviors.

Harry T. Reis is a Professor in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester. His research concerns interpersonal processes that affect the course and conduct of close relationships.

Netta Weinstein is an Associate Professor in the School of Psychology and Clinical Language Sciences at the University of Reading. Her research explores the links between interpersonal interactions, motivation, well-being, and behavior.