Learning to Talk to Strangers

Imagine we told you that there was something easy, fast, and free that you could do every day to increase your happiness. Imagine this activity could also help you learn a new hobby, discover a different culture, or even spark a friendship. Chances are you're not going to believe us when we tell you, but the activity we have in mind is: talking to strangers.

Why You Don't, but Should, Talk to Strangers

More and more research has started to reveal the benefits of talking to strangers: it boosts our mood, makes us feel connected to others, and helps us learn new things. However, it's a bit like exercise: it might be good for us, but that doesn't mean it's easy to get over the hump and commit. In our previous work shared in C&C, we have shown that people worry about a lot of things, including that the other person may not want to talk to them, that they will not know what to talk about, or that they will experience a dreaded awkward silence.

Despite the many worries people have about talking to strangers, people's fears are usually overblown. People enjoy conversations with strangers more than they expect to, their partners like them more than they think (a phenomenon we refer to as the "liking gap"), and despite people's fears, silences are rare and feelings of social connection are common.

Unfortunately, people seem to have trouble learning this. Even immediately after an enjoyable and valuable interaction with a stranger, people turn right back around and continue worrying that a future conversation will not go as well. People seem to interpret the success of one conversation as a pleasant exception to an unpleasant rule.

Can People Learn That Talking to Strangers is Generally Positive?

We concluded that in order to help people learn about the value of talking to strangers, we needed to do something more extreme. We decided to run an experiment where we had people talk to as many strangers as they could for an entire week. Our idea was that this repeated experience would leave people no choice but to notice that these conversations typically go well.

To do this, we developed a scavenger hunt game that people could play via an app on their phones. Each day for a week, participants had to choose at least one mission, from a changing list that included things like finding someone "wearing a hat" or "drinking a coffee." People received points in the app and an entry into a prize draw for each mission they completed, and some people completed all 30 possible missions. People in the experimental condition had to chat with someone matching the description for a few minutes, whereas people in the control condition simply had to observe someone for a few minutes.

Repeated Practice Makes People Feel More Comfortable Talking to Strangers

By the end of the study, compared to how they had felt at the beginning of the study, people who had practiced talking to strangers had more positive attitudes about talking to strangers: they predicted fewer rejections and reported more confidence in their ability to start, maintain, and end a conversation. These more positive attitudes persisted even a week after the study ended. In contrast, people who had simply observed strangers showed no change in attitudes over the course of the study.

Repeated practice was a crucial aspect of this intervention. Worries about rejection gradually diminished day by day. In contrast, actual rates of rejection remained low; 87% of the 1336 conversations people had during the study were with the first person they approached. Similarly, in their daily reports over the course of the week-long study, people reported being more and more confident in their conversational ability.

You might be wondering what happened to our "talkers" after the study ended. When we followed up with them a week later, about 40% reported having exchanged contact information and following up with at least one of their conversation partners. Did they keep talking to strangers? There was some preliminary evidence that this might be the case, but given the limitations of how we assessed this, we consider this question still open.

Conversations with strangers are an inexhaustible source of well-being, connection, and information. If you wish you had more confidence to strike up a conversation, you're not alone; apprehension likely explains why people often wear headphones to avoid talking, stay glued to their smartphones in public places, or pretend not to notice a new co-worker they still have not introduced themselves to. Our study finds that repeated practice will allow you to see the possibility of talking to a stranger as a positive opportunity for connection, rather than something to dread—and we promise, the experience will likely be more positive than you expect!

For Further Reading

Sandstrom, G. M., Boothby, E. J., & Cooney, G. (2022). Talking to strangers: A week-long intervention reduces psychological barriers to social connection. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 102, 104356. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022103122000750

Gillian Sandstrom is a Senior Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Sussex, and the Director of the Sussex Centre for Research on Kindness. Her research focuses on the social interactions we have with strangers and weak ties. This research focus stems, in part, from the micro-friendship she developed with a lady who worked at a hot dog stand.

Erica Boothby is a Senior Lecturer at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on social connection and the psychological barriers that inhibit connection.

Gus Cooney is a Senior Lecturer at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. His research focuses on conversation, and in particular, the mistakes people make when talking.