Social Emotional Ability in the Real World

The terms social and emotional intelligence have become so ambiguous that few of us have any idea what they really mean, much less how to use our intelligence to develop socially and emotionally satisfying relationships in the real world. Luckily, a new model offers help.

This new, practical model is called SEAD, short for “social emotional ability development.” SEAD highlights nine specific social and emotional abilities any person can practice to enhance and maximize success in social situations.

Social Emotional Abilities And Competencies

SEAD grew out of my experience working with thousands of individuals and couples through the SMART Couples Project (www.smartcouples.org). Social emotional abilities are specific relationship skills that increase over time with practice and develop into a hierarchy of competencies or skill levels. There are three skill levels: Emotional Clarity, Emotional Integration, and Social Integration.

Level I: Emotional Clarity

The first step is being able to identify our emotions—sad, mad, glad, jealous, shame, guilt, disgust, lust, love (to name a few). We also need to understand that many emotions can be experienced at the same time (like mad, glad, sad), that they vary in their intensity, and that they are not polar opposites (such as lust versus love). Then we need to accept our emotions—which means accepting that it is okay to feel what we are feeling because emotions are an indicator of the safety or security of a situation (do I need to fight or flee?). Accepting that we feel jealous, lustful, loving, angry, happy, or sad prepares us for the next SEAD level—emotional integration.

Level II: Emotional Integration

Emotional integration is the second and central competency to work on. Here, emotions are attended to (listened to) and interpreted for the emotional messages and meaning they convey. Interpreting our emotions correctly and trusting what they are telling us demand emotional clarity and the skills developed at Level I (identify, understand, and accept emotions).

Next, a person needs to integrate emotion into decision-making about how to behave. In other words, Level II social and emotional decision-making is a mental process that requires attending to, deciphering, and decoding social and emotional signals correctly if we are going to act properly or prosocially in social situations.

Acting properly or prosocially by regulating our emotions depends on listening closely to what our emotions are indicating to us. Emotional regulation is the ability to control one’s emotional experiences intentionally and consciously. This can include managing distress, controlling emotional expression, setting appropriate priorities, and sustaining motivation to continue to act wisely towards others.<

Level III: Social Integration

Social integration is the third skill level. This is defined as the incorporation of one’s thoughts and emotions with emotional clarity and emotional integration into behaviors that lead to sympathetic and empathetic social interactions with others.

Sympathy follows from recognizing the emotional distress of others and wanting to alleviate it.

Empathy includes the ability to experience what others are feeling and it plays a central role in social interaction, often by facilitating attempts to increase the person’s well-being.

From Good Information To Powerful Competencies

There is an emotional component to all social interaction across all ages and stages of human development because emotions are inherently social in nature. The SEAD is an easy-to-understand and practical set of guidelines for helping all people, including researchers and practitioners, to build their social emotional abilities to foster healthy and effective social engagement in the real world.

For Further Reading

Harris, V.W., Anderson, J., & Visconti, B. (2022). Social emotional ability development (SEAD): An integrated model of practical emotion-based competencies. Motivation and  Emotion. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-021-09922-1

www.smartcouples.org (FREE easy-to-read relationship information and classes, including the NEW SMART Couples Marriage Handbook)

Ekman, P. (2007). Emotions revealed: Recognizing faces and feelings to improve communication and emotional life. St. Martin’s Griffin.

Gardner, H. (2011). Frames of mind: The theory of multiple intelligences. Basic Books.

Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Victor William Harris is an associate professor in the department of Family, Youth and Community Sciences and director of the award-winning SMART Couples Project at the University of Florida (www.smartcouples.org). His research interests include close relationships with a focus on healthy communication, conflict resolution, and relationship education.