Attempting to see a situation from a partner's perspective, and striving to feel and think as the partner would—in other words, engaging in perspective-taking—enables people to understand their partners and feel compassion for them. Perhaps, therefore, perspective-taking helps people respond constructively when their partner engages in destructive acts. For example, adopting a partner's perspective (rather than your own) while they are upset and snap at you may motivate you to interpret their behavior more positively. You may tell yourself that they had a rough day, and react accordingly by expressing affection and care instead of snapping back at them.
In our latest research, we wished to explore whether the beneficial effects of perspective-taking extend to regulating reactions to one's own potentially destructive behavior. Specifically, in three studies, we examined whether adopting a current partner's point of view would help romantically involved individuals resist the temptation of alternative partners, encouraging relationship-protective strategies that reduce interest in alternative partners and strengthen the bond with the current partner.
How did we do this? We asked our participants to either adopt the perspective of their actual romantic partner or not. Then, they evaluated, encountered, or thought about attractive strangers. Then we measured participants' expressions of interest in these strangers as well as their commitment to and desire for the current partner.
Based on Photos
In the first study, those who were assigned to do perspective-taking described what they might be thinking, feeling, and experiencing if they were their partners, looking at the world through their partners' eyes and walking in their partners' shoes, as they go through the various activities they experience during a typical day in their lives. The other participants just described a day in their partner's life without any additional instructions. Then, everyone evaluated pictures of attractive strangers of the other gender, indicating under time pressure whether the pictured individual might be a prospective partner. We used the number of selected partners as an index of interest in alternative partners.
Based on Meeting an Attractive Person
In the second study, participants were instructed to do perspective-taking or not (as before) and then they interacted with an attractive interviewer and rated their sexual interest in the interviewer as well as their commitment to their current partner.
Based on One's Own (Imagined) Infidelity
In the third study, participants visualized a scene in which their partner discovered that they (the participant) was involved in a passionate affair with an attractive individual. They did this visualization while either taking their partner's perspective or not. Following that, they described a sexual fantasy about someone other than their current partner and rated their sexual desire for their current partner. To help participants generate such fantasies, we asked them to imagine themselves in the following scenario:
"While you are traveling alone, you meet a person you find very attractive at a pick-up bar. One thing leads to another, and the two of you wind up talking, laughing, and having a very good time. You feel a strong sense of physical attraction to this person who makes you feel alive, and attractive, after not experiencing such feelings for a long time. You know that under any other circumstance you could not have had a relationship with this person; and that you are not likely to see this person ever again. You have tonight only ..."
We then analyzed the fantasies for expressions of relationship-protective responses and sexual interest in alternative partners. Protective responses reflected, for example, thinking about the current partner while having sex with someone else or comparing the alternative partners to the current partner in a way that made the current partner preferable.
Does Perspective-taking Help Protect the Relationship?
Yes, all three studies supported the idea that seeing the situation through the partner's eyes could be protective. Taking a partner's viewpoint increased commitment and desire for this partner, while decreasing sexual and romantic interest in alternative partners.
Overall, our research deepens our understanding of how couples can maintain stable and satisfying relationships in the face of appealing alternative partners. Past studies have shown that romantically involved individuals may also accomplish this by ignoring attractive others or perceiving them as less attractive than they are. Still, people often lack the motivation to do so, as indicated by the high rates of infidelity. Our findings offer a different way people can withstand short-term temptations: stop and consider how romantic partners may be affected by these situations.
Because partner perspective-taking increases concern for the needs and desires of others, it can improve couple interaction, regardless of whether threats to the relationship are present or not. And yet, actively contemplating a partner's point of view may be particularly beneficial to relationship happiness while facing situations in which one's own behavior can upset partners. In these situations, perspective-taking may foster empathy for the partner's potential suffering. As a result, people are likely to interpret their circumstances in a manner that makes it easier to avoid hurting their partners' feelings and jeopardizing the relationship. When such situations involve a conflict between the allure of alternative partners and the goal of maintaining the current relationship, perspective-taking may tip the scale in favor of long-term considerations over short-term pleasures.
For Further Reading
Birnbaum, G. E., Bachar, T., Levy, G. F., Zholtack, K., & Reis, H. T. (2023). Put me in your shoes: Does perspective-taking inoculate against the appeal of alternative partners? The Journal of Sex Research. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2150998
Lydon, J., & Karremans, J. C. (2015). Relationship regulation in the face of eye candy: A motivated cognition framework for understanding responses to attractive alternatives. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 76–80. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2015.01.011
Thompson, A. E., & O'Sullivan, L. F. (2016). I can but you can't: Inconsistencies in judgments of and experiences with infidelity. Journal of Relationships Research, 7, 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2016.1
Cahill, V. A., Malouff, J. M., Little, C. W., & Schutte, N. S. (2020). Trait perspective-taking and romantic relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(8), 1025–1035. 10.1037/fam0000661
Gurit E. Birnbaum is a full professor of Psychology at Reichman University (IDC Herzliya), Israel. Her research focuses on the underlying functions of sexual fantasies and on the convoluted role played by sexuality in the broader context of close relationships.
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