Everyone wants to feel loved, and feeling loved has a powerful impact on people's lives. When people feel loved, they feel safe and relaxed. Even when faced with relationship difficulties, they are less likely to lash out at their partners because when people feel loved, they are less focused on defending themselves and more focused on solving problems in their relationship. But are a person's feelings of being loved enough to overcome relationship difficulties? What happens if only one partner in a couple feels loved during difficult times?
What is Love and Feeling Loved?
Several common elements repeatedly come up when scholars and laypeople define love. These common elements include caring for the other person, understanding rather than judging the other person, accepting the other person as they are, and valuing the other person in one's life. Both men and women—at least in Western countries—agree that these common elements are central to what love is.
A loving relationship is not just about how much you love your partner but also about how much you feel loved by your partner. Thus, in our research, we assessed feeling loved as feeling cared for, understood, accepted, and valued.
The Power of Feeling Loved
Feeling loved is powerful as it can help people get through difficult times in their relationship. All couples will face disagreements, during which it is normal to feel disappointed, frustrated, or angry. Research has shown that if people feel loved during a disagreement with their partner, they can put negative emotions aside and resist the urge to criticize and blame their partner.
Past research has focused on one person at a time without considering the other person's feelings of being loved. We wondered whether feelings of being loved must be mutual to have these benefits. What happens if only one person feels loved while the other person feels unloved during a difficult interaction? Will only one person feeling loved be enough to reduce defensive and destructive behavior?
My colleagues and I addressed this question in five studies involving 842 couples from New Zealand, the Netherlands, the U.S., and Canada. These couples included dating couples, newlyweds, and married couples with children. In each study, couples attended a laboratory session where they engaged in difficult conversations about a relationship conflict or a situation where they had different preferences. In two studies, couples also participated in a family activity with their child where they had to work together to build a tower. After each interaction, participants reported how much they felt loved, cared for, understood, accepted, and valued by their partner during the interaction. We observed how couples behaved during each interaction and rated how much each person engaged in destructive behaviors such as criticism, blame, and expressions of hostility and anger toward their partner.
We found that as long as one partner felt loved during the interaction, both partners behaved less destructively. The findings held for couples in various stages of their relationship and in conflict discussions and family interactions. Whether couples are in a new relationship or have been together for a while, one partner feeling loved can make both partners less likely to criticize or blame each other during potentially challenging interactions.
Implications
Our research shows the power of feeling loved: one partner feeling loved is enough to reduce destructive behavior and protect relationships during difficult times. Even during a disagreement, it may be possible to still feel loved by thinking about what makes you feel loved in your relationship more generally. For example, you may recall how your partner takes care of you when you're busy and stressed with work.
Keeping in mind these loving moments in your relationship may help you to continue to feel loved during challenging moments. You could also remind your partner of the loving moments in your relationship to help your partner feel loved during difficult times. As long as you or your partner feel loved, both of you will likely be better equipped as a couple to successfully navigate challenging interactions.
For Further Reading
Sasaki, E., Overall, N. C., Reis, H. T., Righetti, F., Chang, V. T., Low, R. S. T., Henderson, A. M. E., McRae, C. S., Cross, E. J., Jayamaha, S. D., Maniaci, M. R., & Reid, C. J. (2023). Feeling loved as a strong link in relationship interactions: Partners who feel loved may buffer destructive behavior by actors who feel unloved. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 125(2), 367–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000419
Eri Sasaki is a postdoctoral research fellow at the University of Toronto. Her research focuses on examining couples' emotional and behavioral dynamics during relationship interactions to understand how couples can effectively navigate relationship challenges.
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