Women Work to Protect Men’s Ego in Bed, But at What Cost?

One day I was sitting with some male colleagues. We all study gender, and how our beliefs about gender get in the way of living our best lives. We were discussing the orgasm gap, in which heterosexual women have orgasms less than men. One colleague pitches a hypothesis. "Do you think," he asks, "that men who are insecure in their masculinity don't ask women for feedback on their sexual performance? And that's why women who sleep with them aren't having orgasms?"

"It doesn't matter," I mutter before I can stop myself, "No woman is going to tell an insecure guy that he's not good in bed." Three male heads swivel to face me. I feel nervous I'm giving away some feminine trade secret with this explanation, but I continue. "If a woman senses that the guy she is sleeping with is insecure in his masculinity, she isn't going to risk doing more damage to his male ego. Or if she is, she's pretty brave."

Later, I ran the idea past another female colleague. Women do this, right? She confirmed. Absolutely. Then I asked another woman. And another. Whether or not the woman I was speaking to actually participated in holding back sexual feedback to protect her partner, they all recognized that a woman might choose to do this, specifically to protect her partner's sense of manhood.

Why would women do this? Because in our society—and societies around the world—manhood must be earned, but it can also be lost, a phenomenon termed precarious manhood. Previous research finds that men will go to great lengths to demonstrate their masculinity, and that when they fail to prove they are a "real" man, they struggle, psychologically and physically, and will take action to regain their man card. Unsurprisingly, women are also aware of this challenge for men.

We reasoned that women's awareness of the precarious nature of manhood creates a barrier for women in their sexual communication. If a woman feels her partner is already struggling with a lost sense of masculinity, or if she senses he is particularly vulnerable to threats to his masculinity, she will opt to not share sexual feedback with him.

This is because sexual performance is a critical aspect of society's vision of what it means to be a man. Men are expected to be virile, experienced, and sexually competent. Men are supposed to "give" their partners orgasms. So what happens when a man fails to do that? His partner is faced with two choices: tell him the truth, so he can do better next time, or lie.

Of course, the lie can take many different forms. They can opt to not share they had been left sexually unsatisfied (a lie of omission), tell their partner they had enjoyed the experience when they didn't, and, of course, fake their orgasms. Whether overt or subtle, each is a means of censoring feedback. We decided to explore if indeed women use these censorship methods when they perceive their male partners' manhood as easily threatened (more precarious), to avoid harming his sense of masculinity.

In the first study, we examined the masculinity threat of not being the household breadwinner. Masculine roles dictate that men ought to support their household, and when men fail to live up to this pressure, they are more likely to experience anxiety, insomnia, and even erectile dysfunction. We hypothesized that if women are aware of this societal pressure on men, and the toll it may take, then women who made more money than their male partners—effectively stripping men of their breadwinner status—may be reluctant to add to that masculinity threat by admitting their sex life was less than stellar. Supporting this hypothesis, we found that women who out-earned their boyfriends and husbands were more likely to fake their orgasms than women who made less than their partners.

In our second study, we directly measured women's sense that their partner's manhood was precarious. We found that women experience a sort of domino effect. When they believed their partners were more insecure in their masculinity, they were more anxious about sexual communication. When they were anxious, they communicated their needs less. Finally, communicating their needs less meant less overall sexual satisfaction and fewer orgasms.

And in the third study, we found that when women imagined a partner who was insecure about their masculinity, they were less likely to be open and honest about what they wanted in bed. This was because they were worried about hurting their partner's feelings and thus felt anxious about communicating their needs. On the other hand, women who imagined a secure partner were much more likely to share sexual feedback.

All in all, our findings paint a fairly clear picture: when women feel like their partner's masculinity is on the line, it can lead to a whole host of issues in the bedroom. They might hold back on what they really want, fake orgasms, or just accept being less satisfied. When that happens, men don't get the feedback they need and the cycle keeps going.

But here's the thing, this doesn't have to be the case! Understanding that the precarious nature of manhood may get in the way of sexual communication—for men and women—can help couples talk more openly and honestly about sex. And when that happens, everyone wins.

For Further Reading

Jordan, J. A., Vandello, J. A., Heesacker, M., & Larson-Konar, D. M. (2022). Do women withhold honest sexual communication when they believe their partner's manhood is threatened? Social Psychological and Personality Science, 13(8), 1210-1220. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506211067884

Murray, S. H. (2018). Heterosexual men's sexual desire: Supported by, or deviating from, traditional masculinity norms and sexual scripts? Sex Roles, 78, 130-141. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-017-0766-7

Sanchez, D. T., Kiefer, A. K., & Ybarra, O. (2006). Sexual submissiveness in women: Costs for sexual autonomy and arousal. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32, 512–524. https://doi-org.esearch.ut.edu/10.1177/0146167205282154

Salisbury, C. M. A., & Fisher, W. A. (2014).  "Did you come?" A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions. Journal of Sex Research, 51, 616-631. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.838934

Jessica Jordan is an Assistant Teaching Professor at the University of Tampa. Her research examines how people's beliefs about gender impact their sexual communication and behavior.