Dating can be challenging. When we first meet a potential partner, we might make a fairly quick decision about whether to see them again and whether we see a romantic future with that person. But how much can we tell about a potential partner on the first date and do we tend to be accurate about the type of partner they might be in the future? In our recent research, we tried to find out whether people could "see" their date's attachment style—how "needy" or distant they might be in a relationship—during a first meeting and if this mattered for how much they liked the person and wanted to see them again.
Attachment styles are often studied in terms of a person's degree of attachment anxiety (that is, need for reassurance and fear of rejection or "neediness") and attachment avoidance (comfort with closeness and value placed on independence or "aloofness"). Attachment styles are among the top predictors of how satisfied they (and their partners) feel in their relationship and how committed they are to maintaining their relationship. Although there is an abundance of research on the role of attachment styles in long-term relationships, less is known about the role attachment styles play early on in dating relationships.
Can People Accurately "See" a Date's Attachment Styles During Their First Encounter?
Some previous research found that people can sometimes tell a person's attachment style from even just a photo. For example, when rating photos of strangers' faces, observers' judgments of men's attachment anxiety and avoidance mapped onto the men's own reports, but this didn't hold for women's faces. Another study found people were able to tell a stranger's attachment style after a 3-minute in-person interaction, but this was not about dating. When dating, people may be focused on presenting themselves more positively and they may also be motivated to understand how a person might be as a romantic partner.
In our research, we wanted to test whether people would be accurate about attachment style at the earliest stage of relationship formation—a first encounter—and whether accuracy was associated with greater dating interest.
We organized a speed-dating event, in which people rotated through many short "dates" with a new person each time. We found that people were able to accurately perceive a date's attachment anxiety, but not their attachment avoidance, according to the date's own descriptions of themselves.
But did accuracy matter for a person's dating interest? Overall, no. Although perceiving a date as either higher in anxiety or avoidance was associated with less dating interest, for the most part, the accuracy of these perceptions did not matter. Thus, what mattered was whether people believed their date was anxiously or avoidantly attached, regardless of whether their perception was correct. One exception was that when a person was more accurate about a date being higher in attachment anxiety, they reported less interest in that date.
In sum, people do pick up on cues of neediness or insecurity in potential partners during initial encounters, but not the potential partner's discomfort with closeness or aloofness. And these perceptions were associated with dating interest, regardless of whether they were accurate. First impressions can communicate information about the other person's attachment anxiety more easily compared to their attachment avoidance. This may be because people with higher attachment avoidance are able to present themselves positively and confidently through self-presentation tactics compared to people higher in attachment anxiety. People high in attachment anxiety have also been found to be more inclined to say "yes" to a potential partner, which may make them seem less discerning and more available, which could be seen as neediness or insecurity.
We do not yet know how these early perceptions are associated with relationship development over time. Ultimately, many factors determine the quality and maintenance of relationships. But do keep in mind that people are not always accurate in their early impressions, even though those perceptions may guide decisions about dating interest. It likely takes time and many repeated interactions to understand what kind of long-term partner someone will be in a relationship. Instead, people might better focus on understanding and addressing their own attachment insecurities, as these are consistent predictors of relationship quality.
For Further Reading
Tu, E., Maxwell, J. A., Kim, J. J., Peragine, D., Impett, E. A., & Muise. A. (2022). Is my attachment style showing? Perceptions of a date's attachment anxiety and avoidance and dating interest during a speed-dating event. Journal of Research in Personality, 100, 104269. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104269
Alaei, R., Lévêque, G., MacDonald, G., & Rule, N. O. (2020). Accuracy and bias in first impressions of attachment style from faces. Journal of Personality, 88(5), 940–949. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12540
Banai, E., Weller, A., & Mikulincer, M. (1998). Inter-judge agreement in evaluation of adult attachment style: The impact of acquaintanceship. British Journal of Social Psychology, 37(1), 95–109. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.2044-8309.1998.tb01159.x
Eric Tu is a PhD student in the Social-Personality area of the Department of Psychology at York University in Canada. His research interests are on the initiation and maintenance of romantic relationships over time.
Amy Muise is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychology at York University. Her research focuses on the motivational factors and relationship processes that are associated with the maintenance of sexual desire and satisfaction over time in romantic relationships.
